


Under Par

by Vintar



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Gen, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-29
Updated: 2008-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-06 21:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintar/pseuds/Vintar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Akatsuki think about buying a golf course, and Hidan quite enjoys wearing the world's most hideous pants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under Par

"I don't see why you get two shots, yeah."

"Because if you cheated any more, the guy who invented this stupid sport would rise from his grave and _club you to death_. And I'd help him. Now move over."

"I didn't cheat, yeah. I'm just that lucky."

Hidan paused in the middle of practising his swing and levelled a ten-iron accusingly at Deidara. Beside him, his scythe stuck unhappily out of his club bag. "Your ball went sideways."

"It's windy today."

"It stopped in mid-air, went twenty feet sideways, flew around a goddamn tree, and dropped right in the hole. Then exploded."

"It's _really_ windy today, yeah."

"Someone not graced with the infinite charity of Jashin might even suggest that you swapped a ball with one of your stupid birds."

"Two of my stupid birds. How do you think I got out of the sand trap in the last course, yeah?"

"Oh, I knew. I was just glad that you came out of the sand with both arms for once- though I'd have hacked one off if I were you, because at least then you'd have an excuse for getting your ass beaten so badly."

"Oh look, it's the scorecard. Apparently your score so far is 'fuck you'."

Hidan gave his club some experimental swings, marked a target in the distance, and sent the ball flying. The two of them shaded their eyes as they watched the ball rise, then cupped their hands to their ears as they listened to it fall. From somewhere over the grassy hills came a faint yet disturbingly solid 'crack', followed by the horrified screams of head trauma.

"Sorry, I missed that- what was my score, again?"

"You've done this before," Deidara grouched, shouldering his clubs.

\---

"The idea," Kakuzu explained, "is to use money to generate more money."

"Taking advantage of resources," Kisame agreed from his cafe table by the lake. There were ducks going about their duckly business, and little birds flitting about, and lovely buttery weather. Altogether, he was feeling quite cheerful. "This would be just another sort of real estate, another sort of investment. It's not as if someone could just keep the organisation's treasury in a box under their bed, after all."

"Of course not," Kakuzu lied.

"Mmm," said Sasori, elbow-deep in the dashboard of a golf buggy. Kakuzu was somewhat concerned. He didn't remember any of the buggies looking quite so _angry_. "But then we'd leave ourselves open on more fronts. One could spread himself thin protecting it all. It's a vulnerability." He loaded a series of terrifyingly pointy things into the glovebox. Kakuzu could almost hear the death throes of his vehicle insurance.

"It can also be a strength. There are certain benefits to investing in useful types of land", Kakuzu pointed out, with the certainty of someone with a back pocket of brochures. "Think about the income it will generate."

"It seems risky to leave yourself with such a large liability," Sasori said. He idly touched the tube in his chest (on arrival they had all been offered a selection of horrible pastel sweaters; Sasori had refused on the grounds that it would get caught in his joints, and instead had scandalised several old ladies by getting around shirtless. In deference to golf course tradition, however, he was sporting a tremendously hideous cap). "By reducing your risks down to the bare minimum," he said, with that what turned out to be 100% misplaced confidence, "you have control over everything that affects you."

There was a sharp whistling noise, and a golf ball smashed into the back of his head.

When Kakuzu and Kisame stopped hiding behind the cafe table, they found that Sasori's faceplant into the newly modified dashboard had resulted in an entire row of ornamental shrubs being shredded, and that several of the ducks in the lovely little pond had suddenly found themselves on fire. Kakuzu rubbed his temples. When he looked up, Kisame was cautiously prodding a very unhappy duck back into the water. It sank.

Sasori sat back up and carefully touched the hole in the back of his head, wearing what was possibly the blankest expression in existence. This record was shortly beaten by Kisame and Kakuzu, when Sasori opened his mouth and a golf ball rolled out.

Kakuzu had lived for a very long time, and wanted to continue doing so. He had the suspicion that even the slightest hint that he found that funny would not help his health. It didn't matter how many hearts he had; he was pretty sure that Sasori could poison half a city just by sharing a glass.

The strained silence was broken a shout of "FORE, YEAH!" from the distance. A few moments later, the car park erupted into a series of explosions. The car park had been quite full. It went on for some time.

Kakuzu got into the buggy with a sigh. "I'll drive."


End file.
